The only image that really stuck in my mind after watching this episode's promo last week was one of a giant fire explosion bowling over a liar (Aria, methinks) in a pretty darn comical fashion. But then I watched the promo a few more times this afternoon and a different image stuck out, even more hilarious. May I direct you to my Twitter feed? Aria Montgomery is going to be involved in a police line-up and she is SO over it, y'all. I can't wait.
Before we get started on this week's draft diary, let's talk about the previouslies (AKA "previous lies"). Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb was kicked of his and Spencer's love shack after taking the fall for a (probably) Not-A politico leak re: Yvonne's high school shmashmortion; Emily was nearly catfished by a college reporter; also she was chased half-heartedly by a Hummer and got her fingerprints all over alleged murder weapons #2 of the season; ALSO Not-A has most likely fertilized her stolen eggs, which is so fucked up I can't even joke about it; Aria married her parents and then Alison and Rollins (maybe?); Ezra-Lite, AKA Liam, found out that his beloved girlfriend used to date her high school English teacher; and Hanna decided to marry Jordan, the guy she already agreed to marry. Oh, and Sara Harvey patched up the human-sized cement hole in her closet even though she does not have full use of her hands.
Now, onto the diary! Which is a few minutes off of live time, as usual.
8:24 PM There’s a Knicks game on, so it’s pretty great to discover that PIP works even when we're watching a recorded episode of PLL.
8:25 PM Requisite catch-up from the liars: Ali officially got married. Hanna and Emily are not on board. Hanna is also not on board with bridal showers. ME TOO HAN. Bridal showers are the worst. The. Worst.
8:27 PM Okay, PIP is actually playing the live episode of PLL, not the Knicks game. It’s very surreal to see two PLL episodes going at once: on the main screen (is that what you’d call it?) we’re at the beginning of the episode. The PIP screen shows the show as is actually is at 8:27 PM. I scramble to turn it off but not before seeing Emily enter the lair of a biker gang. Do I even want to know? Guess I’ll find out anyway.
8:27 PM Okay, time for the usual bet — who’s the shusher during the PLL credits this week?
8:27 PM YES I WIN. It's Spencer. I wish we’d actually put money on this bet.
8:28 PM Now that Caleb's been fired, we find out his former title on the Hastings campaign: Social Media Consultant. Too little, too late.
8:29 PM Ooooh, flashback to Spencer's dorm room and a #Spoby fight! "That's the most realistic dorm I've ever seen on TV,” says SG.
8:30 PM More SG flashback commentary: ”She looks better with bangs and I don't say that normally.” It’s true; he doesn’t. He hates bangs.
8:32 Oh look Ezra did something that affects both him and Aria without asking Aria if it was cool with her. I’m so-o-o-o-o-o surprised. His entitlement knows no bounds. Also, is his budding alcoholism magically cured by a week spent in Albany? I don’t think Albany is that inspiring.
8:33 PM I remind SG that Caleb used to date Hanna, Ashley’s daughter, during Caleb and Ashley’s tense scene and he says, “I know.” My work here is done.
8:34 PM “Hack into their database and cancel someone’s reservation; you’re a HACKER! Worst hacker ever.” - SG, not impressed at how easily Caleb gives up at the Radley.
8:36 PM SG and I both very much dislike Spencer’s plaid pantsuit. And we never agree on fashion.
8:38 PM First Emily’s walking in on multiple couples kissing, now she’s watching Hanna and Ashley fight…it’s like this season she’s been flown in from a cheesy 80s sitcom or something just to shrug and look awkward and unwelcome in the background. Give Emily more!
8:40 PM Every character keeps trailing off when talking about the latest threat from Not-A because there is no concrete threat from Not-A. Where are the stakes, PLL?
8:41 PM Liam is at least trying to fake being happy for Aria, which already makes him better than Ezra in my mind. Realistically, a wet mop would be better than Ezra, though…
8:43 PM OMG I hate watching Ezria co-write this book. They’re so peppy and excitable and ugh…
8:44 PM It’s kind of sad that we have idea what’s happening in the Knicks game.
8:45 PM See??? Aria is so over this line-up.
8:45 PM Now Emily is an extra on Sons of Anarchy. What are these bikers doing in Rosewood?
8:46 PM Did Ali and Rollins go on an impromptu honeymoon to Amish country (again)? Where are those crazy kids?
8:47 PM Man, this woman at the auto shop is no Gypsy from Stars Hollow. She kind of reminds me of the creepy woman from the doll hospital of horrors in season 2. I miss season 2.
8:49 PM SG is not giving me much commentary because he’s busy texting with his friend Mike. Sigh.
8:50 PM Spencer, NEWSFLASH! When you’re 23, your parents can’t tell you who to date, I don’t care how sternly your father says it. It’s not like he can throw Caleb in the fire like he did with your field hockey stick. Although, considering the fire bomb seen in the promo, I might be biting my tongue shortly.
8:53 PM “JESS’S FAVORITE, BRIDAL SHOWERRRRRRR” - SG knows me well.
8:53 PM Aria has really worked on her “I’m suspicious” face in the #5YearsForward time.
8:55 PM And Aria was just burned at the stake (some people on this show really do see these girls as the bad guys, the witches. Hello, Jenna?). SG and I are both laughing at how untense that scene was. This show use to genuinely scare me. No more. And I’m actually sad about it.
8:56 PM Not to make light of second degree burns, but will Aria be dressed like a mummy for the rest of the season? Can’t wait to see.
8:57 PM Oh noooo, Spoby broke up because of a pregnancy scare! This scene between Spencer and Toby is well-done, tense, and sad. Even while I’m soaking it in, I notice that it looks like Spencer has a photo of pink-haired Aria and Ezra nuzzling on her dorm wall. Which makes no sense. For many reasons.
8:59 PM “They really did a good job making her look like a little college student.” - SG
8:59 PM Spencer also has a swim team calendar on her wall. Keeping up her support for the Rosewood Sharks? How sweet of her. Emily doesn't even swim for them anymore.
9:01 PM “Not A, exactly, just some copycat version.” A really shitty copycat version. I am so not into Not-A.
9:02 PM How come no one is asking if Yvonne is okay??? Hell-o, girl just had very personal information leaked to the public as part of a freaking state senate campaign.
9:02 PM Oh there we go, Spencer asked about Yvonne. A Hastings always minds her manners.
9:03 PM The emoji Not-A uses make it all feel so silly.
9:04 PM SG and I are now eating ice cream right out of the carton, in case you’re wondering what our days were like. And SG spilled some of it on his pants.
9:05 PM Uh-oh, SG likes Ezra. We have to break up now.
9:05 PM Ashley asks what we’re all thinking: why has Hanna iced out Mona? But we don’t get an answer. Womp, womp. SG is confused that I’m sad by this because he thought “we hated Mona.” But no. I love Mona.
9:11 PM Next week looks like some soap opera goodness, with Hanna grabbing Caleb’s hand, Spencer looking all saucy, and Ali falling down the stairs. Let’s hope we actually get some raised stakes, some tension, and some classic PLL fun.
Publishing Accuracy Watch:
- Liam is expensing lunch with Aria and lying by saying he’s with a client. Hmm…yeah, I think this really happens (but not me, I’ve never done it, I swear).
- Ezra and Aria’s co-writing process feels a little too peppy and talky. But I’ve never co-written a book. So what do I know?
- Aria’s boss approved this “editorial assistant ghostwrites a book without permission and then gets to co-write it for real” plan? No. Absolutely not.