The description for this episode on Wikipedia included the wonderfully vague and ennui-filled phrase above, so I just had to include it in this week's blog, somehow, some way. It's so funny to me, for some reason. I wonder about my life on the reg. I wonder if Hanna and I wonder the same things about our lives. Probably not, since I'm not currently being cyber-stalked by someone who uses emoji as liberally as my 60-year-old mother.
...As far as I know, anyway.
So onto this week's PLL draft diary! But first, a brief recap: previously on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna hooked up and ate a broken egg breakfast in the cheesiest love motel ever; Emily's eggs and 30 other people's eggs (who knew Rosewood's IVF business was so booming?) were destroyed by a power outage, almost certainly caused by Not-A, and she spent hours wondering about life/feeling guilty about it; SG craved eggs because of all the egg talk; Spencer had a happy-sad moment with her mother before jumping to conclusions about her sister murdering Charlotte with a broken suitcase handle; Caleb and Mona came thisclose to love in an elevator status; Aria's new boyfriend is on board with her ghostwriting adventure, but Ezra Fitz returned to Rosewood and turned in some chapters that are 99.99% inferior to Aria's chapters (what's an Editorial Assistant to do?); the liars discovered a hidden hallway underneath/next to/inside the Radley; the murder weapon wasn't a golf club and someone used a landline to call Charlotte; Alison wants to go public about her relationship with Dr. Rollins but he wants to keep it a secret for a bit longer WHICH IS NOT SKETCHY AT ALL NOTHING TO SEE HERE PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, ALISON. Oh, and Lt. Tanner served up some major truth to Emily with the instaclassic line, "All the time you and your friends weren't here? No murders!" #NoMurders indeed, Lt. Tanner. But what kind of show would that be?
And NOW, onto the usual draft diary. We're starting a little late again and I don't care who knows it — so the time stamps are a little off.
8:21 PM When Hanna, Emily, and Alison sneak into Sara Harvey's supposed vacated and disaster area of a hotel room, Hanna tosses off a casual, "I would've made her lick the carpet before she left." Fun fact — I had to lick the carpet in my friend's parents' bedroom for 10 seconds during a game of Truth or Dare in 5th grade. I hate Truth or Dare.
8:21 PM Sara Harvey somehow filled up the blasted hole in her closet without the use of her hands? Why aren't the liars questioning this?
8:22 PM Okay, who's the shusher in the credits this week? I guess Spencer but SG gets it right with Emily. We didn't bet anything, but maybe we should start.
8:23 PM SG wonders how Caleb could have taken so much time off work cuz "he's not working so hard." I never question the space-time continuum in PLL world.
8:23 PM This week, Emily walks in on another kissing couple. Are they just trying to throw her aloneness in her face? Rude.
8:24 PM So what IS Not-A's plan with the eggs? As Em mentions, it's her future offspring...is there really about to be a "I'm making your baby" threat at play here? Bold, PLL.
8:26 PM I'm super not into Ella and Byron's wedding plot, but it's really cute that Hanna is helping Ella dress for the big day. While she's, you know, wondering about her life.
8:28 PM When Reporter Damian asks to borrow Emily's pen at Hollis course registration, I notice that Emily uses my favorite pen! This is VERY exciting to me, probably more exciting that it should be in any normal world. I wrote my college essay about that pen. The Pilot G2 05. Gotta love it. (This message was not sponsored by Pilot pens.)
8:28 PM "Hey I'm Damian," says Damian. "I'm a lesbian!" SG chimes in, playing the role of Emily.
8:29 PM Spencer's "I have bangs" wig is starting to look kind of ratty.
8:30 PM Do voters really care this much about state senate elections? Am I missing something? Should I be more involved in my state senate elections (I'm guessing yes)?
8:30 PM "You're twenty-fucking-three!" yells SG at Spencer's claim that she works on Capitol Hill.
8:31 PM Not-A uses the red devil emoji again when texting Ali about why Charlotte left her house that night! I actually kind of missed it. It brings a level of consistency to these (so far pretty random) Not-A texts. Of course, now SG is referring to Not-A as "Bitmoji."
8:33 PM Imagine Aria Montgomery officiating your wedding. Will she wax on about her love of dead bird earrings? Will she reference her epic high school romance that also happened to be illegal? Will she get poetic about her other high school boyfriends, the Adonis Noel Kahn and #DojoHottie? You never know what you're gonna get with Officiant Aria! This could totally be her career path if she gets fired from editing/writing Ezra Fitz's books.
8:35 PM SG does not like Aria's multi-patterened outfit. He rants about it whenever she pops up onscreen.
8:36 PM Aria's "I'm gonna puke" face when Ezra calls her ghostwriting "an act of love" is hilarious. I want a gif of that, please, Internet.
8:37 PM Ezra thinks Aria's writing is probably better than his writing. I agree.
8:38 PM "Do they ever call them Spaleb?" asks SG when Hanna and Aria are discussing Spencer and Caleb and the Montgomery wedding. No, but how meta would that be?
8:41 PM I need to pause for a second to collect my thoughts on how fucked up is it that Not-A could be making an Emily baby without Emily's consent. And is Not-A providing the sperm for her egg? What. The. Hell. This is so incredibly messed up, and what a violation of Emily's personal space, control of her own body, control over her own life, and sense of personal safety. Of all the things A or Not-A have done to these girls, this one seems to be the most fucked up. It feels like a plot point just asking to be compared to the GOP's current war on female reproductive rights. Life reflects art reflects life, y'all.
8:42 PM Now that Spencer and Caleb have hooked up, they don't have any more chemistry. The anticipation was everything.
8:46 PM Damian aks Emily fishing questions and Emily's face looks like she literally doesn't understand the question until he gets to the end even though it makes sense from the third word. What a weird moment of face acting from Shay Mitchell.
8:46 PM "They look alike." YES THEY DO, SG (he's talking about Ezra and Liam during the amazing clusterfuck of a scene in which Liam discovers what #Ezria is).
8:48 PM SG is hungry even though they haven't mentioned eggs, like, at all this episode. But we both love Aria's pizza t-shirt. So maybe that's what's making his stomach rumble.
8:49 PM When Aria says, "I'll be marrying my parents" with an epic eye-roll complete with pizza tee, leggings, and top-knot, she is suddenly no longer on PLL but on Saved by the Bell instead. It's awesome.
8:53 PM "Whoever Not-A is should just run for office themselves. They're fucking amazing politicians." - SG
8:55 PM Who are all these randoms at Ella and Byron's wedding? They have no friends!
8:56 PM Earlier, SG asked if Ella was on drugs. Seriously, she seems like a super Xanax'd bride, like on the level of Molly Ringwald's sister in Sixteen Candles.
8:58 PM With his false confession to Veronica Hastings, it looks like Caleb will be homeless once again. Do you think he'll move back to the air ducts of Rosewood High School?
8:58 PM "Fingerprints," warns SG when Emily is touching the (alleged) suitcase handle. "They're always getting their fingerprints all over every murder weapon in the town of Rosewood," I tell him.
9:01 PM I'm kind of on board with Aria and Liam's romance (he's age appropriate, yay!) but I am LOSING MY SHIT at how joyfully he exhaled before they kissed at her parents wedding. He is a cheeseball. I am giggling for days.
9:04 PM Ali and Rollins want Aria to marry them on the spot at like, 1 AM, because she's an officiant now. Hate to break it to you guys, but you still need an official marriage license. Aria reciting a poem and then telling you you're married doesn't actually mean you're for real, legally married.
Publishing Accuracy Watch 2016:
- "Gillian is going to fire me!" "Or give you a book deal." Hmm, I'm actually kind of torn on this one. Yes, Aria would be fired for pulling something like this, so she gets accuracy points for that one. But plenty of editors are both editors and authors, so Liam kind of has a point, too, though he's dreaming if he really thinks her book deal would come about THIS way. Overall: an accurate discussion!
- Aria also chimes in with, "I'll sleep when I'm unemployed." Yes. That feels accurate.
With that, another episode of Pretty Little Liars is in the books — and a kind of mediocre one, I gotta say. Here's hoping for a better episode next week!