Previously on this blog, you got a PLL draft diary and a really high level sports analysis of a Knicks game all in one.
Previously in my life, I played three rounds of the super fun party game Mafia, went to the Westminster Kennel Club Show, ate Peruvian food in Jackson Heights, and celebrated my favorite holiday, Valentine's Day, by brunching and watching the All-Star NBA game.
Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Aria went through the looking glass of Sara Harvey's hotel room and Spencer was about to follow her; Not-A set up a frenemy lunch between Spencer and Toby's near-fiancee and then dropped by the farm — I mean, hospital — to harvest Emily's eggs in order to...create a bunch of half-Emily babies in 9 months? Unclear. Also, Hanna quit her sucky Fashion-with-a-capital-F job, right before real life NYFW started, and Sara Harvey tried to claw her way into Ali's life (even though she can't use her hands) by claiming she loved Charlotte "like a sister." Oh, and Caleb did some hackery hacking, proving that Not-A definitely isn't Mona, who would never fall for such shenanigans.
This week, my publishing accuracy watch senses are tingling — but more on that later. Now, onto the draft diary, which is a few minutes behind regular viewing time due to dinner concerns.
8:15 PM I paused the episode so SG could finish eating dinner before watching and it paused on Hanna and Aussie Bro in a heart shaped bed. Ick. Okay, now we're starting.
8:15 PM You thought places like this cheesy, not-even-close-to-romantic hotel room only existed in old movies, Hanna? Or porn movies?
8:16 PM I call the heart-shaped hotel room "creepy," and SG replies, "you think that hotel room is creepy? THIS is creepy," referring to Spencer and Aria exploring the dark brick hallway that exists beneath Sara Harvey's walk-in closet.
8:20 PM SG and I both guess that Spencer will shush during the credits this week. Nope, it's Ali. "Oh, I don't even know her," says SG. It's true, he really has no idea who Alison is or what she was like in the past or the omnipresence she had on the show even when she was "dead." Because #5YearsForward Alison is a snooze and a half.
8:21 PM Shortly after the opening credits end, SG does the shusher pose. It's cute.
8:24 PM "Why do they all get so dressed up to do everything?" asks SG about all of the liars. "Because, television," I respond.
8:26 PM Emily's ace nurse is back to tell Em, her patient — after Emily has sought her out at the clinic — that a power outage killed her recently-donated eggs. And 30 other people's "potential babies." SG thinks that the nurse's bedside manner tone was on point, but I think it could use some work. Like, maybe contact your patient with such terrible news before she can contact YOU about it. We agree to disagree, I guess.
8:28 PM During a commercial fast-forward (sorry Chelsea), SG points out that "you can't do the Man Men thing with this theme song." What he's referring to, in case you don't know, is singing the title of a show in tune with its' theme song. Singing "Pretty Little Liars" doesn't really work with the Pierces' song (though he definitely tried).
8:29 PM Did Hanna's tacky robe come with this tacky hotel room?
8:29 PM Uh-oh I think Jordan has mouth herpes. Did Not-A somehow make that happen? No, Not-A's style is serving up a free breakfast with one eye-egg slightly damaged.
8:30 PM Emily asks Ali if she knows who killed Charlotte. And Ali tries not to say "uh, I thought you guys did it...?" Or at least that's my interpretation of her loaded pause-and-stare move.
8:33 PM SG doesn't like the eggs plot line. I ask why and he says it's because they keep saying "eggs." He's picky about his PLL jargon.
8:35 PM In Jordan's next scene, his herpe is gone! I sense a conspiracy afoot.
8:36 PM Liam is working at Byron's desk on Ezra's manuscript and Aria's daddy/boyfriend issues become even more clear in this moment. I think she realized it, too, based on the way she was looking at him.
8:38 PM Aria has yet ANOTHER colored leather jacket on! It's distracting me from her scene with Liam.
8:39 PM Speaking of aesthetic distractions, I'm also distracted by Spencer's hair. It looks horrible.
8:41 PM These PLL hashtags aren't what they used to be. #HannaAndCaleb? Come ON. Freeform's social media team is inferior to ABC Family's social media team. Yeah, I said it.
8:42 PM SG thinks Caleb is Not-A. "What are my chances?" "Not high."
8:45 PM "All the times you and your friends weren't here? No murders." This is the best line that has ever been uttered in the history of this wonderfully twisted television program.
8:46 PM "I don't know about statistics..." Yeah, because you flunked out of college, Emily. Although, to be fair, I nearly failed my Stat class sophomore year of college. So I'm not really one to talk.
8:48 PM Blah blah blah Alison loves Dr. Rollins. We know this. They end up married. We saw that in the original #5YearsForward flash-forward clip. Cue a this-is-the-new-normal Alison milquetoast smile. Bo-ring.
8:50 PM I want Spencer's cornflower blue silk lined trench coat.
8:50 PM While Spencer talks to her mother about polling numbers, I realize that I don't really care about all of the liars' individual plots. I want a show about these liars being friends and lying together!
8:53 PM "Is Bernie Sanders watching?" asks SG when Ali and Rollins kiss and the camera backs out through the window. I laugh — out loud — but it looks like Not-A has given up the Bernie disguise.
8:54 PM "She's looking for her eggs," SG says when Hanna and Aria find/attack Emily down the Radley rabbit hole. He's right! He's getting this show!
8:54 PM And now he's continuing on this line of thinking: "I like how that one egg was popped in the breakfast [that Not-A served Hanna and Jordan at Motel Stank]."
8:55 PM And still: "I want some eggs." #egg
8:57 PM There have been two pointed mentions of Melissa Hastings' flight number by the way. So THAT'LL come up again soon.
8:57 PM Did Liam go back to Boston already??? That was a quick visit. Or is he just hanging out at Aria' house with Byron? I really hope it's the latter. Picture it: Liam and Byron, just sitting on the couch in the dark together, with Ella hiding in the hallway and Mike Montgomery behind the curtains. Pigtunia is peeking out from under a lampshade. When Aria gets home from digging that Ezra Fitz hole they'll all pop up/out and scream "DID WE SCARE YOU" like the totally normal surprise party she's always dreamt about. Liam really fits in with this family, I can tell.
8:58 PM "I'm the one that should say sorry" does not equal "I am sorry." And it should be "who" instead of "that." FYI to Ezra Fitz and all humans everywhere.
8:59 PM I hope Aria's chapters of Ezra's book are better than Ezra's chapters. Please god I hope this is true.
9:00 PM Oh, look, we've arrived at Melissa's flight number once again. OH SHIT Melissa killed Charlotte! Or did she............................?
Publishing Accuracy Watch 2016:
- Liam came all the way to Rosewood to talk work with Aria? Did he expense it like she expensed the Radley hotel room? I call "bullshit." Unless maybe he came to take her company card away at the behest of the finance department...
- "I thought if I came here I could read [the chapters] without you having to put them on the Internet." Uh, in real life publishing we email "chapters" AKA manuscripts all the time. It's just...what you have to do. In 2016. A year in which everyone, including everyone in publishing, uses the Internet to do practically everything.
- SG chimes in with his own publishing accuracy watch: "That doesn't look like 3 chapters. That's like a history paper." Truth.
That's all for this week, folks. I'm still trying to get SS to come over and watch an episode of PLL with SG and I, so...maybe soon. Only four more episodes left this season! Where does the time go?